I'm not somone who ever thought they would be in a situation like this. I never dreamed my husband would become an addict. I watched the once fun loving, caring, and devoted man turn into someone I didn't know and didn't want to know. Loving gestures and kind words turned into acts of violence and put-downs. I watched the man I married turn into a stranger before my eyes. I wrestled with do I stay and try to help or do I call it quits and get out. I was left physically, emotionally, and spiritually drained. It was his addiction, but we all paid the price for it. I was robbed of my happily ever after with him and it infuriated me. He was my everything. How could he choose his drugs over his wife and children? I couldn't wrap my mind around the fact that my Brent was gone and replaced by this drug-fueled monster. I didn't understand how we went from the perfect couple that was so in love and happy, the couple that everyone looked at and said I want that, to violence, restraining orders, and divorce.
My husband was the love of my life and if I'm being honest I'm still in love with him. He was my everything. He could walk into a room and my face would light up. I felt butterflies in my stomach every time he kissed me. You would figure after 17 years they would have died down, but even when things were really bad and I didn't want to feel them they were there. He first told me of his drug problem in May 2014. Over the next few years I checked him into rehab twice, tried counseling with him, he tried to quit cold turkey, I tried distancing myself from him, hell I even got a restraining order when things got really bad, and nothing worked. All the crying, begging, praying, pleading, threats to leave, and actually walking away did nothing. His addiction was stronger than me, stronger than our love, stronger than the promises he made to get clean and stay clean. At some point, even though it's the hardest thing to do, you have to realize that you don't have any control and just let go and walk away. Not to give up or throw in the towel but remove yourself in your children from a toxic and dangerous situation. I would have given anything to have the man I married back, but the truth is he was gone long before I walked away.
When you think about an addict, what comes to mind? I always thought of an addict as a junkie, a criminal,a thief, trashy, dirty, and homeless. In reality, addiction comes in all forms and it doesn't discriminate. It doesn't care about your race, gender, job, education, income, or how much you have to lose. It latches on and destroys everything you've ever worked to build. It turns wonderful people into people you don't even want to know. It takes your loved ones and breaks up once happy families. It slowly kills the person you love. You're forced to sit by and watch and if you don't let go it will destroy you too. Their addiction starts to consume your life, consume your actions, begins to interfere with other relationships that you have, and tear you apart. You will lose little pieces of yourself. You'll be left exhausted, confused, and heartbroken. The addict becomes your addiction.
